


i don't want you like a best friend

by doies



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, because this is a spin off to my johndo princess diaries social media au, implied johndo ofc, jungwoo simps for jaehyun and lucas simps for jungwoo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:49:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25108750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doies/pseuds/doies
Summary: Being in love with Jaehyun and loving him are different things - like marking Jaehyun as a lover in bold letters rather than the supposed bright letters that once said best friend.(alternatively: jungwoo and jaehyun figure out how to keep a friendship afloat)
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Jungwoo, Kim Jungwoo/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Comments: 22
Kudos: 151





	1. jungwoo

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is a spin off fic to my johndo social media au on twitter this will be a two parter since i don't want to spoil the ending of the au yet i love u guys ♡

The first time Jaehyun crosses the line and closes the gap is on a lazy Sunday morning. The light barely shining through Jungwoo’s curtains, billowing as the breeze passes. 

He remembers waking up with their limbs tangled under the sheets, the remnants of the night before evident only in the glimmering bits of confetti still stuck between strands of peach coloured hair from the other boy. Jungwoo remembers the warmth of Jaehyun’s skin pressed against his, his breathing soft as his head rests on Jaehyun’s chest. There is no difference between that and any other morning, no shift in the way Jungwoo sleepily clings to him, or how Jae runs his fingers through his hair to wake him. The evident tenderness of years of handholding and casual touches present in the way the other boy whines upon being awoken, how Jae finds himself chuckling at this.

It is quiet for a while, just the early bustle of a city below them. Jaehyun is tracing circles along his collar and Jungwoo pretends he isn’t painfully aware of how this makes his heart beat a little faster. 

Jaehyun is the first to break the silence, voice raspy from slumber. “Do you have any plans today?” 

Jungwoo turns, resting his chin in hands as he pretends to think up imaginary plans to make himself seem more interesting. It’s a bad habit he’s never learned to outgrow. “Maybe a bike ride around the park, Sicheng told me the other day I’ve gotten way too pale from painting too much indoors.” He hums, tilting his head sideways. Jaehyun smiles, dimples sinking deep.

“Will you actually?” His tone is teasing. It’s no surprise he catches this lie.

“No,” Jungwoo smiles softly. “But it would be nice to imagine doing it.”

Hands pull him nearer and Jaehyun’s leaning a little too close. There are moments that often blur what lines are drawn and this is one of them. There is history between their two bodies pressed together, thousands of unspoken rules that have always safely separated them from what they are and what they could be. Jungwoo often thinks of this - Jaehyun falling so easily into a category marked as _best friend_ in big bright letters before anything else.

Perhaps, the morning is to blame - still hazy from the alcohol of the previous night that clouds their thinking. Jungwoo’s fingers brush against Jaehyun’s chin, gentle not to disrupt the silence that falls between them again. “ _Jungwoo_ ,” Jaehyun breathes. It sounds like a plead for something and Jungwoo wishes he could understand why the other boy chooses that moment to press his lips against his.

It would be a lie to say he’d never imagined what kissing Jaehyun would be like. In his most desperate means to find out, he’d forced Jaehyun to sit through a game of spin the bottle when they’d been younger only for the bottle to land of everyone else but each other. (Johnny’s the best kisser, he learns. Not that he would succumb himself to Johnny’s pouty lips again, he doesn’t like everything else that comes out of his mouth on a regular basis anyway.) 

Jaehyun’s lips are tender on his, unsure of the contact as if he isn’t certain that Jungwoo will push back. _Would it have been like this then?_ Jungwoo wonders as he allows himself to melt into Jaehyun’s touch. There is a nip of the bottom lip, a chuckle as they try to figure out each other’s movements. 

A hand trails lower, Jungwoo cannot remember who asks first. “ _Should we?_ ” The promise of we, of us -- that’s really what gets him.

* * *

The first time is an accident but Jungwoo can’t explain the second, third, and the many more unspoken nights that come. 

It becomes a secret - a careful construction of white lies for their friends. Jungwoo is left second guessing, uncertain of what’s to come - if someday is a promise that comes with Jaehyun’s tired “ _I don’t know’s_ ” and “ _maybe’s_ ”. There’s the painful awareness that secrets are often paired with consequences and questions, ones Jungwoo is terrified to ask. All he thinks about is that perhaps the moment Jaehyun had decided to cross the line wasn’t an accident but a test of how far they could both go before it begins to mean anything.

Still, neither of them ask. 

Jaehyun’s sheets are lands to be explored that Jungwoo’s fingertips brave under the cover of darkness. Under the orange glow of a night lamp, he traces circles along skin and collarbones with breathy whispers and soft non-promises. It’s not difficult to get lost in it all - to lose sight of how temporary this all is. There’s something so _breakable_ about the peace they’ve found themselves in and Jungwoo knows if he says one wrong thing the illusion could easily shatter.

So he’s careful with his touches. Barely there like his kisses that feather against Jaehyun’s lips, so quick that sometimes he wonders if the other boy can tell they were ever even there. This is the only time Jungwoo allows time to slow, savouring each hushed mention of his name from Jaehyun, feeling each wave as they move to a rhythm together. (Perhaps one that echoes the beat of his heart.) 

* * *

Sleeping with your best friend under the guise of convenience is one thing, falling in love with him is another. 

It’s late in the spring when the heat of the summer begins to seep into the afternoons, the promise of a fresh start passes as spring comes to a close. Jungwoo feels stuck more than ever, lost in his questions and uncertainties. Jaehyun’s eyes become less and less of a home and more of a puzzle Jungwoo can never seem to figure out. Between finals and the late nights with him, he drowns inside a mess he’d never intended to create in the first place.

He runs to Johnny middle of the night, hasty to call him after a flurry of semi-coherent texts. His heart is heavy as Johnny holds him wordlessly while Jungwoo cries. 

“I’m sorry.” Jungwoo mumbles, catching his breath in between sobs. The taller boy wraps a protective arm around him, head leaning on Jungwoo’s shoulder in an attempt to be comforting. Johnny is steady, ever present in the cycle of his failed prospects. He’s not surprised that he’s found himself here again. “I know you have other stuff… like the lessons and _Kim Doyoung_. This shouldn’t matter.”

Johnny laughs - his musical and soothing chuckle that never fails to make Jungwoo feel safe. He wonders sometimes why he hadn’t fallen in love with someone so easy to read like Johnny instead. “You know,” The taller boy begins. “I always figured there was something more to the jokes.”

He thinks back to the casual flirting, the easy hand holding, and how Jaehyun had never once refused the jokes shared between friends. Jungwoo had always been the one most affectionate of their group and no one had ever batted an eyelash as he clung to Jaehyun on more than one occassion, often dismissing it as just banter between childhood friends. It’s easier to paint a narrative when everyone else turns a blind eye. “It used to be.” Jungwoo sighs, looking down at his hands. “I don’t know… Somewhere along the way I stopped taking it as a joke but he never did.

“You don’t know that.”

“I think I do.” Jaehyun is easy enough to read if you pay attention. Jungwoo learns of his little secrets, becomes obsessed with each detail that no one else notices. He’s read Jaehyun enough to know this doesn’t mean a thing. Not even the way their fingers entwine under the sheets or how Jaehyun kisses him on the forehead every single time he says goodbye.

A shrug. “I can never tell with him.” Johnny finally breathes. “I think he’s different with you.”

Jungwoo doesn’t want to believe this. He knows he shouldn’t but a part of him somehow clings on to this notion. Who but Johnny would know better than anyone else? “Don’t get my hopes up, Johnny.” He whines, burying his face into Johnny’s chest.

Johnny sighs, holding his hands up as if in surrender. “I won’t say anything more.” 

* * *

Jaehyun smokes but never when anyone else is around, the only reason he knows this is because the plants by Jae’s window have soil littered with tiny ashes and the occasional cigarette butt. As if Jae has somehow mistaken it for an alternative for fertilizer. Still, Jungwoo never catches the scent on his breath or the taste of it on his tongue. He doesn’t mention this, thinks it’s just one of those things. Vulnerability between the two of them is limited without seeming too much like Jungwoo wants to cross more lines - sleeping together is complicated enough. He’d rather just sit through his crush and get over it without making Jaehyun realize that maybe Jungwoo wants anything more.

Jaehyun is good with secrets for the most part and that’s mostly what Jungwoo is to him these days. In a similar way, no one ever notices the way Jae sometimes smells like Jungwoo’s sheets or that Jungwoo uses Jaehyun’s shampoo in the mornings. 

Everything begins to unravel on a Saturday.

Jaehyun’s hair is slicked back, sunglasses over his eyes as he drives through the streets of Chicago. Drives with Jaehyun are always a source of comfort. Even as high schoolers they’d navigated through their neighbourhood in Jae’s car with no destination, just the feeling of going somewhere enough for both of them. He’d always thought of these drives as a sacred thing, just him and Jaehyun for a moment getting lost together.

Jungwoo knows it’s enough of a mess, knows that one question could shatter the illusion they’ve spent months keeping but holding back seems impossible now. Not when Johnny knows, not when every second with Jaehyun now begins to feel so agonizingly slow.

“What are we doing?” He asks. It’s a cliche question and he hates that. It feels predictable, as if he’d fallen into the same formulaic trope so often used in films. Jungwoo’s always dreamt of the fairytale ending - the prince charming, the dangerous and daring love story, and riding into the sunset together. He remembers blowing out birthday candles wishing for love, late nights with Johnny as they’d gazed under the stars whispering about how someday perhaps it’ll feel easier to hold someone close. It’s a little ironic now how he sits through this same cliche and he wonders if maybe this is the end of a fairytale where Jaehyun kisses him and confesses or the beginning or a drama where he tears Jungwoo’s heart in pieces.

The other boy smiles, tightlipped and nervous. “ _Jungwoo_ ,” 

“ _Jaehyun_.” He answers back.

“If it meant something, wouldn’t we have told each other by now?”

Simple. That’s how Jaehyun’s does it - he’d always been one for a clean getaway. Jungwoo sinks back into his seat, looking out the window as the world passes by. His heart beating in his chest, his hands shaking. He tries not to cry but he’s certain his lips tremble just a little bit. “You’re right.” he clears his throat, voice steady and slow. “It’s good to clear the air though, right?”

“Yeah.” Jaehyun nods. “We’re good, right?”

“Yeah.”

Things always end up the same. Lips on his skin, hands wandering _down_ , _down_ , _down_. 

Even as the thought of Jaehyun’s words linger, Jungwoo can never say no. He hangs on to the hope that perhaps one of these days, things will turn around and Jae will take it all back. The thought of change sends shivers down his spine - of the clandestine touches and of fear that Jaehyun will someday cut him off from a routine he’s gotten used to.

Jae sits by the window, clad in boxers as he stares out into the city below, his fingers running over the creases of a worn paperback absentmindedly. There is peace after the chaos of pleasure drawn from each other. Often, Jaehyun gets losts in some sort of tranquility as Jungwoo fusses about. Antsy for something to do, as if meeting the older boy’s calmness would stir some sort of silence that triggers the end. Today, he lies in bed tangled in Jaehyun’s sheets. Jungwoo thinks for the first time, _I’m just going to have to be in love with someone who doesn’t love me back for the rest of my life._

It’s strange how he accepts this.

“I know you smoke.” Jungwoo says flippantly, tone low as he studies Jaehyun. He holds up the book (it’s second hand copy of _Franny and Zooey_ they’d picked up earlier that day from a bookstore tucked behind their favourite restaurant.) “I see the cigarettes sometimes. Your plants are going to die if you keep substituting them for a proper ashtray.”

Jaehyun tilts his head, unfazed by this accusation. Almost as if he’d expected this conversation to come. He gives the potted greenery before him a once over before looking up at Jungwoo. “Hm?” He hums, lowering the book in his hands. “Do you think it’s bad that I do?”

He shrugs. “There are worse things.” 

“Like what?”

“Breaking my heart.” Jungwoo tells him callously, smile forming as if to tease Jaehyun. He closes his eyes as the other boy lets out a deep laugh. He knows he assumes it to be a joke. Which is fair, banter like this has never really been anything new between them. Flirting with Jaehyun has always been light and fun - easy in the presence of their friends who roll their eyes at such affection. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it, Woo.” 

The words fall at the tip of his tongue. _But you already have._ Instead, Jungwoo giggles at this. Patting the empty space next to him as he pretends the ache in his chest is non-existent. “Come back to bed.” Jaehyun obliges, leaving the novel by the sill and kissing Jungwoo earnestly on the lips.

* * *

Between Johnny finding out he’s a prince and the media scrutiny that surrounds him for a while, the chaos that follows is enough for Jungwoo to forget Jaehyun.

Not that that’s entirely possible.

Still, he and Johnny sit in the Genovian cosulate, heads huddled together as Johnny plays with the cool ivory keys of a grand piano. The keys faintly echoing in the huge ballroom, filing the air with the melody of _Dancing Queen_ (one of Johnny’s favourite songs). It’s comforting and familiar - it’s the first time he’s felt that these past few weeks.

“Remember when we were younger and you’d play this on your old Casio in your mom’s living room whenever one of us had a bad day?” Jungwoo asks softly, head resting on Johnny’s as he feels the room come alive. Johnny is safe, solace in such a constant battle of push and pull with the world around him. 

Johnny throws his head back, a chuckle resounds through the room. “Bad day?” 

“It’s been a series of.” A soft sigh escapes his lips, he wraps his arms around the taller boy. “Don’t ever fall in love.” He whines dramatically which earns another laugh from Johnny. He knows his problems with Jaehyun would never outweigh the heaviness of Johnny’s new reality - of princely duties inherited from a father he had never known. Jungwoo will never understand this, will only see this as some sort of romantic endeavour that’s suddenly graced Johnny’s life and he knows this. Still, he allows himself to be selfish this one afternoon.

Kim Doyoung comes with his hands on his hips, stern and stiff. Jungwoo laughs at the way he smiles tightly as if he’s careful not to shatter the illusion that he’s some sort of polite royal. His words come and go, lost in Jungwoo’s muddled thoughts. So Jungwoo takes Doyoung’s hand absentmindedly before he spins him. Desperate for the magic of royalty and happy endings to sweep him away as well, hoping that perhaps some of this can rub off on him.

“Who can resist ABBA?” Jungwoo grins, swaying Doyoung in his arms as Johnny starts playing the same song again. 

Doyoung, much to his obvious chagrin, sways along. The tight lipped smile fading into a bright gummy one that Jungwoo recalls Johnny mentioning a few times before. Jungwoo will never know of real magic or romance but he supposes dancing while his best friend plays the piano in one of the grandest ballrooms he’s ever seen with the lord of a small country is the closest he’ll get.

* * *

Jaehyun watches him cry on a Sunday morning.

Knees to his chest, Jungwoo holds himself under bubbles and warm water. Jaehyun’s fingertips dance in the water, making small lazy waves as he sits on the floor and rests his cheek against the tub. They’re wine drunk and Jungwoo’s still so in love that he feels like he’ll burst if he doesn’t say anything. “I don’t think we should do this anymore.” He laments, voice shaky with exhaustion. Jaehyun gazes up at him, sleepily humming along to a melody Jungwoo has never heard before. “I think it’s bad for me.”

“If you want.” Jaehyun answers, his tone doesn’t shift and Jungwoo is desperate for _something_. He’s always been good with hiding his feelings, Jae isn’t an actor for nothing and Jungwoo wonders if this callousness is a well built facade or just the truth. He’d like to believe it’s the former despite the certainty it’s the latter. “Do you love me?”

The question catches him off guard. It’s careful and calculated, as if it had always been there, just waiting to be asked. He shouldn’t be surprised. He’s certain it’s become apparent in the previous weeks - the way his eyes linger a little too long, how Jaehyun begins to pull his hand away when they walk together. “I do.” Jungwoo nods, tears staining his cheeks.

Jaehyun blinks, thumb lightly grazing Jungwoo’s cheek to wipe a tear. “I’m sorry.” 

A shrug. “You don’t have to be.”

“Shouldn’t I be?” Jungwoo doesn’t want to admit that. It paves an awkward conversation, one he isn’t ready to discuss. Being in love with Jaehyun and loving him are different things - like marking Jaehyun as a lover in bold letters rather than the supposed bright letters that once said _best friend_ . “I started this.” 

“We both did.” Which is true.

Jaehyun leans in, lips close enough that if he moved an inch closer they could kiss again. Jungwoo holds back, looking up at the ceiling as he tries to stop the tears from falling. “I think about you a lot, Jungwoo.” Jaehyun admits candidly. “I just don’t know if I’m there or if I’ll get there.”

“But you love me?” His voice trembles. Maybe this is enough.

“I always have.” Hand to Jungwoo’s cheek, he leans into it. Their gazes meet for a few moments. “But we love differently.” 

He wishes he could understand this, wishes he could ask more but quite frankly, he’s exhausted. The weeks that pass have worn him down more and more and Jungwoo just wants for a few seconds, to remember what it’s like to be happy without the thought of Jaehyun’s hands all over him. “Will you miss me?” Jungwoo sniffs. 

Jaehyun smiles. Jungwoo’s flight to Genovia with Johnny for the summer had often been a conversation taken lightly, Jaehyun to arrive a week after once his last run for Spring Awakening finishes. There are jokes thrown about of Jungwoo missing Jaehyun, of finding another lover in a foreign land. He wonders if jealousy seeps into Jaehyun the way it does whenever he has to watch him kiss a girl on stage. ( _Does she kiss as well as I do? Does she touch you like this?_ He asks sometimes in the darkness.) “It’s just one week.”

“A lot can change.”

“Will a week stop you from loving me?” Jaehyun asks.

He kisses him again despite himself and sighs. “It never has.”

* * *

Genovia feels like a fairytale.

It’s painted of green with the pale roses of the countryside, warm in the summer month that Jungwoo and Johnny arrive in. The country welcomes them with two boys holding up a messy placard that looks as if it had been written by a five year old, waving in the air as if they hadn’t flown on a private jet to avoid crowds. (The card reads ‘ _Welcome Johnny and Jeongwoo!_ ’ A misspelling he’s to forget upon the gazing into the eyes of the boy who introduces himself to be Johnny’s bodyguard.)

The drive to the palace is a long one with Johnny and Mark discussing itineraries and prince lessons and dinners and balls in the back. Jungwoo sits in front, gazes out the window and savours what little time he’ll have in a place that makes him think of poetry. Genovia is winding roads and the feeling of coming home to something, of peace and the hope that perhaps things will get better. Jungwoo prays the pounding in his chest ceases, that maybe after all of this he’ll feel this way when he has to leave a month later.

“You like it?” A deep voice inquires, breaking through his thoughts. He looks back at Yukhei, eyes focused on the road as he drives but a smile spreads across his features. “Pretty, right?”

Jungwoo smiles back. “It is.” He nods. “I don’t think I’ve ever been anywhere so….” There is a struggle to come up with a word, fearing he may come off too cheesy or too romanticized. He knows nothing of the small country he’s found himself in, scared that maybe he’ll say the wrong thing. He feels oddly self conscious all of a sudden.

A laugh - roaring in the confined space, it jolts Jungwoo even more awake. “Green?” Yukhei offers.

“ _Dreamy_ .” He finally decides as he looks at the road in front of them. Genovia is a _dream_ and Jungwoo hopes to never wake up from it. His eyes dart toward Yukhei who seems to consider this, lost somewhat in thought as he nods slowly. “I mean, I know that probably sounds cliche and I just got here but-”

“No, no! I get it!” Yukhei grins, looking at him for a few seconds before watching the road again. “I’ve lived here my whole life, man. Even I still think this place is weirdly surreal.” 

Jungwoo knows love at first sight is kind of stupid, make no mistake he knows that it doesn’t exist, and that perhaps it’s the heartache of the Jaehyun of it all that makes him think maybe Yukhei could be just what he needs. “Don’t just say that on my account.” He rolls his eyes, huffing as he sits back dramatically.

“I’m not!” His tone is comically defensive and it makes Jungwoo laugh a little bit. “When I was a kid, I watched Bambi for the first time and I deadass thought it was based on Genovia, man.”

“You thought a movie where hunters killed a deer was based on the country you currently live in?” He’s teasing. The taller boy’s mouth flies open but nothing comes out, he ponders on this - evidently confused by this question. 

“Okay, okay. Stop, stop.” But he’s laughing and Jungwoo chuckles along. “You’re too much for me already.”

“What are you going to do about?”

“I don’t know yet.” Yukhei beams, eyes twinkling as he glances at Jungwoo for a moment. “But I know I like it.”

Blood rushes up his cheeks. It had been a while since he’d felt like this - the thrill of someone else’s words trickling into him. There are butterflies that flutter inside him, making him smile silently in his seat. “I’ll be counting on that.”

* * *

Jungwoo doesn’t sleep well on the first night. He gets lost in the stately manner of the palace, navigating through halls upon halls that all look the same. He navigates through the empty halls, his bedroom’s silk blanket thrown over his head as he drags in along the marble. The feeling of loneliness creeps up to him, taking comfort like the night chill that settles on to Jungwoo’s skin. He shivers and tries not to think too much of home, of Jaehyun, of everything in between. This is supposed to be his fairytale summer, his _escape_.

The moon is full that night, illuminating the courtyard as Jungwoo looks on to the overlooking view of the small country. Sounds of footsteps startle him but even in the darkness, Yukhei’s tall figure is unmistakable. “Yukhei,” he calls out, his voice still low as if he’s careful not alarm the other. 

The other boy turns to face him, curious upon Jungwoo’s appearance. “Jungwoo?” 

“Yeah,” he nods slowly, tightening his grip on the blanket around him. “I couldn’t sleep.” He feels embarrassed by this for some reason. “Why are you awake?”

Yukhei holds up a flashlight and grins. “I just finished my night rounds.” 

“Oh.” is the only thing that escapes his lips, unsure why he’s mildly disappointed that he won’t actually have company. “Goodnight then.” He turns and begins to walk away.

“No, no, no. Jungwoo wait!” The taller boy’s voice booms, echoing into the hallway that surprises both of them. His hands are on the blanket, tugging it slightly so as to keep him in place. Jungwoo wonders if the beat of his heart echos along the same way or if he can tell how flushed his cheeks are in the dim light. “Sorry, sorry. Uh, a glass of milk always makes me sleepy. How about we grab you something from the kitchens?”

“Is that allowed?” His mouth forms a small grin.

Yukhei lets go and offers his hand. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

Under the cover of darkness, Jungwoo finds himself taking it and clasping tight. He ponders how long it will be until this feeling lasts.

The kitchen is as grand as the rest of the palace but there is a certain warmth that emanates from it. Yukhei rummages through cupboards and shelves in search of cups and settles on a mismatched pair before handing it to Jungwoo. (One with a little drawing of a beagle on it and the other with a bright yellow pattern of suns) It would be funny to consider this a distraction - Jungwoo supposes it’s a little selfish to bask in the attention of another. It is, after all, what Jaehyun lacks in giving him. He would be lying if he didn’t admit that the sleeplessness was a result of Jaehyun forgetting to text him goodnight or the dismissive “ _I’m at rehearsals right now_ ” the other boy sends as some form of goodbye. 

A carton of milk is passed on to him, snapping him out of his thoughts. He looks up and smiles, chin resting in his hands. Yukhei watches him from across the counter as if studying him carefully. “What?”

“Did you leave something back home?” Yukhei asks, taking a sip from his mug. It’s not accusatory, there is genuine concern in this question. Perhaps, Jungwoo thinks, he did but the horrible thing about that was it wasn’t even his to take. “You’ve looked… I don’t know kind of distracted ever since we were in the car.”

“Obvious?” Jungwoo sighs, looking down. “I don’t know. I just have a lot on my mind.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” the taller boy says softly. “But whatever it is, I hope you don’t let it eat you up.”

A whine. “How do I do that?”

There is a thoughtful pause. Yukhei leans closer and presses his palm against Jungwoo’s cheek - uncertain as if he waits for the other to pull back. Jungwoo doesn’t for a moment and they both soften, melting into the presence and touch of the other as a few seconds pass. “You think of better things and eventually you’ll forget about whatever bothered you in the first place.”

“That’s bad advice.” Jungwoo pouts but he leans into Yukhei’s palm. This is _familiar_ and Jungwoo thinks that maybe if he closes his eyes, he could pretend it’s Jaehyun who stands in front of him now.

Admittedly, overthinkng probably is what has lead to all this but Jungwoo is nothing if not constantly romanticizing his intimate relationships. Still, looking at the other boy now he’s considers that perhaps, a week is enough to let him forget Jeong Jaehyun. Even in the unlikeliness of this happening, Jungwoo is hopeful.

“Maybe it is.” He nods.

“So why suggest it?”

“I was hoping you’d ask me to be your distraction.”

* * *

Sleep doesn’t come. Even after Yukhei walks him back to his room, Jungwoo paces the generous space until the sun rises and it’s too late to even attempt a nap. Head too full with thoughts of Yukhei offering to be a distraction, of Jaehyun coming in a week, and of Johnny’s future in this country. 

Instead, he wanders back into the kitchen at seven in the morning and asks for anything the chef could possibly spike with alcohol. (Minseok, confused as he is by this request, hands him a mimosa and tells him to take it easy.) To no one’s surprise, Johnny is late for his first lesson - flustered upon arrival with his hair sticking out in an almost hilarious way and Jungwoo is certain it’s because he’d probably just woken up. 

“Good morning, Johnald.” He says, swishing his glass in his hand. Johnny shoots him a concerned look, bending down to meet him eye to eye on the fancy lawn chair Jungwoo has settled in. He’s pretty sure Johnny knows there’s something off, notices the uncharacteristically dark circles under Jungwoo’s tired eyes, and his mouth opens slightly to protest but Jungwoo shakes his head before he can speak. He runs his fingers through the taller boy’s hair, fixing the mess as he lets out a soft giggle. “Don’t ask.”

So Johnny doesn’t.

It shouldn’t upset him that Jaehyun only ever replies to group messages, that they’ve chosen both to ignore the kisses shared after their last night together, and the promises he had thought were real this time. Jungwoo tries to ignore this, tries to pretend things are fine. He passes out soon after Johnny disappears with Doyoung, gets at least a few hours of sleep until he’s awoken by a looming figure overhead. It’s unmistakably Yukhei.

“Hey, you okay?” His big booming voice waking Jungwoo. He sits up just as Yukhei leans down, taking his hands in his, thumb grazing the back of Jungwoo’s palm gently with his thumb. For someone so rough, Jungwoo wonders how he’s capable of such tenderness.

“Yeah, I must’ve fallen asleep.” He admits, pulling away slightly. “What time is it?”

“Six in the evening.” 

Jungwoo checks his phone which he admits feels pathetic. The lack of messages from the one person he wishes to hear from evidently absent from his inbox. It’s almost uncomfortable how desperate he is for attention at this point. His gaze falls back on to Yukhei, who seems to be observing him calmly as Jungwoo gets himself together. “Sorry.” He sighs. “Bad habit.”

“Hey, I’m not judging.” The other boy shrugs before offering his again. Jungwoo takes it, thinks about how warm it is. It’s probably petty to indulge in Yukhei’s company - he knows the butterflies are as fleeting as the time they’ll spend together. At the back of his mind, Jungwoo is mildly aware that taking advantage of this wouldn’t make him better than Jaehyun. He knows it’s probably a dick move to use another for comfort but his head is spinning and he really isn’t thinking right. (Has he been these past few months?) 

“Yukhei, did you mean it?” He asks as he gets up. “Last night.”

“Wha -- oh. Yeah.” A crooked grin is fixed upon his lips. Yukhei is warm - Jungwoo keeps thinking this. 

Jungwoo allows himself this one week to feel, allows himself to cross a line as well. He wraps his arms around Yukhei’s, standing on his tiptoes as he presses a soft kiss against the taller boy’s lips. (He tastes of chocolate and smells of aftershave.) It’s selfish and fleeting but Yukhei smiles into the kiss, a soft chuckle against Jungwoo’s lips as he pulls him closer and closer and _closer_. 

He doesn’t hear the way his phone rings in the background, Jaehyun’s name flashing bright on his screen.

* * *

There is a wine bottle shared in Johnny’s bedroom, hastily stolen from the cellar with the help of Yukhei and Donghyuck (who Jungwoo learns, mostly just has a penchant for trouble). Jungwoo lays in the sea of silk sheets and pillows as Johnny sleeps next to him. (Johnny is a snorer, he’s learned of this fact through years of sleepovers and at this point, he’s surprised it no longer wakes him up.) 

He presses his fingers to his lips, still tingling from kissing a boy he’s certain won’t last. Perhaps it’s the alcohol that drags him out of bed and sends him looking for that magic again.

Yukhei is easy to find - the tallest figure in the garden padding through the darkness with his heavy footsteps against the concrete. He blinks twice when Jungwoo comes, moonlight illuminating him as he rushes with a giggle. Their fingers lace together and Jungwoo spins into his arms. “Hi.” His voice is hushed, still used to not wanting to disrupt the world around, still used to being a secret Jaehyun had kept for so long.

“Hey! What are you doing awake?” His deep voice is disruptive in the silence - resounding in the night. It makes Jungwoo smile.

“I wanted to see you.” He means it.

Yukhei softens at this, eyes sparkling as he smiles at Jungwoo. “Because?”

“Because I wanted to do this again.” Jungwoo says, brushing his lips gently against Yukhei’s lightly. The other boy catches this and pulls him closer, deepening it into a real kiss. 


	2. jaehyun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re so pretentious, man.” Mingyu tells him as he lightly taps the spine of a random title. “Just watch Kill Your Darlings like a self respecting gay man and be done with all of this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! i know i promised this was going to be a two parter but i eventually ended up with cutting this second chapter short because what i wrote was way too lengthy? i feel like caroline calloway promising a response essay to natalie and posting everything in like six parts instead.
> 
> not to worry! it won't end up that long and i promise chapter three will be our actual conclusion. thank you for sticking around!
> 
> if the writing style for this seems different and a little more.... discombobulated? that's definitely because i tried writing as jaehyun's thought process which is what i imagine to be more internally messy than jungwoo's.
> 
> ANYWAY i hope you guys enjoy! (if you see any typos... please look away)

Jungwoo’s arrival in Jaehyun’s life is instantaneous.

He likes to compare it to that moment in Lilo and Stitch where Lilo prays for a new friend and Stitch comes, crashing into her life on a rocket ship that destroys everything in it’s path. (Jaehyun assumes there are more delicate and poetic ways to word this but it’s the closest he can ever get to describing the feeling.) It’s a lot like a loud collision and suddenly, Jungwoo’s there and just refuses to leave.

Which isn’t a bad thing, _really_.

It’s mostly like, Jaehyun doesn’t really know what life is like before and after Jungwoo now. He cannot recall how he’d managed to stumble through years without Jungwoo’s hand in his, without the small giggles in between his sheets, and the way he blatantly refuses to be denied of any attention. He’s grown so used to a world revolving so much another person that it’s almost difficult for him to see anything else - to want any more than what is presented.

He supposes that’s the problem.

Jaehyun likes things to be simple. He draws clear lines in between what is and what isn’t. Everyone knows this - nobody ever probes him for more. What Jaehyun gives is what everyone else gets, it’s easy and formulaic. Sicheng has always laughed at this fact, rolling his eyes at Jaehyun’s refusal to share anything more than a few shrugs and smiles but it’s what keeps him grounded.

Kissing Jungwoo, sleeping with Jungwoo, and keeping Jungwoo are three different things.

None of which Jaehyun _really_ understands. He doesn’t think about kissing him, doesn’t really give much thought to sleeping with him. It’s keeping him that constantly leaves Jaehyun on his toes - careful and gentle, as if the normalcy they’re both used to before those two other things will go once he acknowledges that the presence of the former could mean the loss of the latter. As said before, Jaehyun doesn’t know what life is like after Jungwoo and he hopes to keep it that way.

Is it selfish? Jaehyun knows it is but he doesn’t know how else to go about a bad decision other than pretending it isn’t a problem in the first place.

The week before Johnny and Jungwoo leave for Genovia is hectic. It is frantic with finals papers and packing and shopping and kissing as Jungwoo cries in a bathtub and Jaehyun not knowing what to say.

It is then when it all falls apart - unraveling into what mess Jaehyun had created when he’d first crossed a line he himself had so clearly drawn. He learns that once you cross something, you can’t keep drawing more lines in order to go back to what was once was. There are no “Go back three spaces” in life like there are in games but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t try.

Johnny is perceptive if not entirely clueless, there’s never an in between for him and this is a fact that Jaehyun has picked up over the course their friendship. Either he’s the first to know or he doesn’t notice at all and Jaehyun figures it’s mostly a gamble as to how Johnny is feeling at a particular time. In the middle of finding out about his title and birthright, Jaehyun had stupidly assumed that it would go unnoticed. Except, he supposes, the littlest shifts in Jungwoo and Jaehyun’s dynamic speak loudest sometimes. (The weeks have piled on - flinches upon touches, long yearning glances shared when the others aren’t looking, the way Jungwoo smells like his sheets in the mornings.)

On a bright afternoon, Johnny catches Jaehyun off guard with the question “Are you going to keep hurting Jungwoo like this?”

Which is a valid question, _really_. It’s just not a question Jaehyun prefers to answer.

They are stretched out on Johnny’s couch, taking a quick break from writing their papers. The others leave early, spewing out different excuses that Jaehyun forgets the second they learn the apartment.

Jaehyun doesn’t blink at the question presented despite the way his heart clenches in his chest. _Calm, calm, calm_ \- if he stops being calm he’ll have to think about it more and it’ll be the end of him. (It’ll become 'Being in love with Jungwoo’ and then ‘Losing Jungwoo’ and it wouldn’t make _sense_. There isn’t a simple formula for that. Jaehyun doesn’t know how to solve for things he doesn’t understand.)

A soft hum escapes his lips as he hands Johnny a slice of pizza, eyes looking everywhere but at Johnny. “Am I?” he asks. Is he? _Is he?_

“Come on, dude.” Johnny sighs, sounding exhausted. “I don’t know how long this whole thing has been going on but you can’t keep stringing him along.”

 _Johnny’s right._ Johnny’s right and Jaehyun doesn’t want to admit that. He knows there is an end to this and he doesn’t like that. Even when Jungwoo doesn’t ask or mention the whole thing, he knows him enough that the prospect of this entire ordeal is something that eats him up. Jungwoo is too nice to say anything - _Jaehyun knows this_ , knows how perhaps he’s taken advantage of this. Despite Jungwoo’s abrasiveness, his heart is pure and genuine and something Jaehyun thinks he doesn’t deserve.

He doesn’t like thinking about this.

“I don’t know what to do.” Which is Jaehyun for ‘ _he doesn’t want to do anything_ ’ and Johnny knows this and Johnny catches this and it terrifies him of what he’s about to say.

To his surprise, the taller boy merely shakes his head. “You love him back or you don’t.”

And Jaehyun _does_ because loving Jungwoo is the easiest thing he’s ever done in his life. _Simple_ , just how he likes it. He doesn’t understand how he’s managed to complicate the only thing he’s ever known - it shouldn’t be so difficult to admit this out loud yet he struggles to form a concrete enough answer when he’s told things like this. Jaehyun doesn’t get his own hesitance, perhaps it is the fear of losing Jungwoo that creeps into him, that Jungwoo may draw his own lines and figure out how to take three steps back without telling Jaehyun. He’s scared that a shift won’t just divide kissing, sleeping, and keeping Jungwoo but it’ll make him lose all three too quickly before he has a chance to grasp at them.

It’s kind of stupid but Jaehyun’s never claimed to be the smartest person in the room.

“I guess.”

Johnny frowns. “That’s not an answer.” But he doesn’t push for more. Instead, Johnny lets out a small huff and gets up from the sofa to pat Jaehyun on the head comfortingly. “Jae, stop digging yourself deeper into this hole. You’ve never been good at climbing out of things.”

* * *

It’s Thursday when Jinsoul catches him on the floor backstage.

He is found in a sea of fabric and glitter, sitting quietly in the middle of a mess as he tries to sort through his thoughts. His script is left untouched, cast to the side because he can’t stop thinking about Jungwoo and Johnny and everything else that’s suddenly created a strange hurricane like spiral in his life.

Jinsoul, for the most part, doesn’t really like him as do most lesbians in their university. It’s kind of just a thing and no one really has a reason as to why. Jungwoo supposes it’s because Jaehyun radiates “immense heterosexual energy that it almost makes him uncomfortable” which is probably ironic considering he’d said that while Jaehyun had his hands down his pants and his lips on his neck.

But that’s besides the point, really.

The fact that she doesn’t like him is just kind of funny now. Eunwoo’s already created some sort of comprehensive excel sheet that lists down all the times Jinsoul has shot any of Jae’s ideas down. (It’s managed to reach around 32 rows in the span of a month which deserves some kind of recognition on her account if Jae were to be honest.) So when Jinsoul sits next to him in the flurry of activity surrounding them, he almost thinks he’s dreaming.

“Where’s your boyfriend?” She asks, arms crossed as she scrunches her nose into a frown. Jae always thinks about her pretty eyes - it’s the easiest thing to focus on when they’re on stage together. He likes the way all her emotions pour in one simple gaze which is haunting and frightening if say, she looked at you only ever with pure disgust. (Which incidentally is how she is staring at him now.)

 _Huh?_ “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

A small laugh escapes her lips, genuine as if his answer amuses her. “The tall blond one? Skinny legs, drapes himself all over you every time he’s here?” _Of course_ she means Jungwoo. “You can’t possibly tell me you’re not dating him, that’d be cruel.”

 _Cruel._ The words rings in his head, over and over and over and over. _Cruel?_ Was he being cruel? “He’s one of my best friends.” Jaehyun shrugs, voice low as he blinks at her. That’s normal - Jungwoo being Jungwoo, Jaehyun being Jaehyun. It’s not _cruel_ , it’s never been cruel. Right? _Right?_

They both sit in uncomfortable silence. Jaehyun wants to ask more but he doesn’t like the prospect of risking more stuff to be spoken about behind his back. He’s certain now that there are whispers of him and Jungwoo lingering in the air, dangerous and damaging.

Jinsoul’s voice cuts through the stillness, she’s currently examining her nails as if they’re the most interesting thing in the room. “You know why I’m mean to you?” He can tell it’s mostly a rhetorical question.

“No….?” He answers anyway.

“You remind me of some kind of AI bot and quite frankly, it’s fucking _annoying_.” Jinsoul informs him, tone cloying. She smacks her lips into a loud dissatisfied _pop!_ as she turns to shoot him a glare. “Like, you _don’t_ act like you’re better than everyone but it’s so obvious you’re just… _here_. You’re a good actor, yeah but once the curtains are drawn, it’s kind of like… what’s next?”

This confuses him. “I’m sorry, I can’t follow?”

Jinsoul tilts her head to the side. “You’re so… _innocuous_.” A pause. “Like you’re so inoffensive to literally everyone that it’s almost fake.”

“What does that have to do with you being mean to me?”

A sigh. “Arguing with you is kind of the only way anyone ever sees any kind of emotion from you but even then you kind of just let me win.”

She catches his expression, lets him think on this as her expression softens slightly. _Innocuous_. That’s certainly never been a word anyone’s ever used to describe him. Isn’t being inoffesive a good thing? Jaehyun’s never really been one to argue - choosing rather to flit through problems in a way that resolves without any qualms. It’s easier that way. He doesn’t understand why that should be a problem.

“I don’t see anything wrong with that.” He finally says after a minute.

“That’s the thing.” An annoyed huff. She throws her hair back and looks into his eyes, studying him earnestly. It’s strange to be hearing this from someone who’s spent probably three months ignoring him or insulting him. “The only time I’ve seen you not look so dead inside is when that _best friend_ of yours is here. It’s like how you get on stage.”

“He’s just a friend.” _Calm, calm, calm, calm._

“Whatever.” She gets up, dusting her skirt impassively before looking at him one last time. “I hope you figure it out.”

* * *

Secrets have always come easily.

He starts smoking after high school, convinced after reading too much Fitzgerald and Keruoac that perhaps it’s a bad habit worthy of it’s reputation. So it begins with backstage after everyone’s left - outside school buildings and behind giant oak trees on campus. No one suspects it, Jaehyun is careful not to misconstrue a concept that everyone has built of him; passive and easy and _likeable_. Smoking becomes the only escape from the anxiousness and leering eyes around, constantly looking to find anything to nitpick about his _innocuous_ demeanor.

He’s pretty sure it’s not the big deal he assumes it to be but it’s a chink in his otherwise flawless armour. Every spark lit between his lips is a calculated lapse of time and of company. He smokes in his fire escape and flicks his ashes carelessly into the night air, wind blowing the haze away from his bedroom. No one has ever caught scent of this, he likes it that way.

It isn’t until Jungwoo points it out on a lazy afternoon does Jaehyun completely lose sight of things. Secrets are no longer secrets once someone else finds out, everything else sort of comes apart after that. Which is quite frankly a terrifying thought to him because sometimes untold things are the only things in life that Jaehyun clings on to. So when Jungwoo informs him “ _I know you smoke,_ ” so thoughtlessly as if none of it matters, Jaehyun feels his heart beat a little quicker.

His secret unravels and strangely, that’s when his feelings do too.

* * *

Jaehyun finds himself standing outside Jungwoo’s apartment at two in the morning, soaking in the summer rain.

Jungwoo comes with a bright orange umbrella over his head, printed with tiny puppies that Jaehyun finds himself focusing on for a few minutes. (It’s one from high school, a gift Sicheng had once given to Jungwoo for his birthday because ‘ _Jungwoo never brings his own umbrella because he likes the idea of getting caught in the rain and catching the flu_ ’) He doesn’t really know what to say or why he’s there. The image of Jungwoo crying in his bathtub, the promise of parting and of space (even just for a while) lingers in his head - it makes him restless. Jaehyun doesn’t like the uncertainty that separates him and Jungwoo. It’s almost as if Jungwoo has decided to draw his own lines away from him, _further and further and further_ away and Jaehyun doesn’t know how to pull him back.

“I’m sorry.” He manages to utter, fingers running through his slick hair. The rain pitters noisily against the sidewalk and it’s so _loud_ , disrupting a silence that Jaehyun has only ever known with Jungwoo. It makes him feel sick. “I don’t know why I’m here. I just wanted to see you.”

The other boy sighs, shaking his head slowly. “Jaehyun, we agreed you’re not good f-”

“I know.” Jungwoo hasn’t left but he’s already slipping away. Jaehyun can tell and it makes his own heart ache but he doesn’t know what to do about it. It’s loud. The rain is too loud. It doesn’t feel right. The ease is lost as the water rushes, a clamouring shower that doesn’t give him room to think.

But suddenly, the sound is muffled and everything feels less cold and Jungwoo’s hand is in his and their lips meet under the ridiculous bring orange umbrella. It’s safe, it’s all Jaehyun has ever known - a peace that Jungwoo brings despite the world around them.

“Jaehyun,” Jungwoo whispers, forehead leaning against his as their lips brush lightly. He blinks quickly, almost as if surprised by something.

“What?”

“ _You taste like cigarettes_.” And that’s when Jaehyun realizes there’s no turning back. He kisses Jungwoo earnestly, genuinely, like he’s in love because maybe he is.

* * *

Admitting this is different.

Johnny and Jungwoo leave for Genovia on a Monday. Which is fine, which is _okay_ because it’s just a week. It’s not a _big deal_ and it’s easy not to overthink and wallow in your feelings if you have enough distractions keeping you at bay.

Except Eunwoo spends all his time making out with his boyfriend during their lunch breaks together and Taeil is too busy kissing a guy named Yunho’s ass at work. So his distractions are limited during this time of somewhat grieving. He mostly just ends up hanging around the library, knee deep in Ginsberg poetry he wishes he didn’t imagine reading out loud to Jungwoo in bed. Mingyu keeps him company during these trying times but he suspects it’s only because the other boy is desperately pining for the Chinese exchange student who works there.

“You’re so pretentious, man.” Mingyu tells him as he lightly taps the spine of a random title. “Just watch Kill Your Darlings like a self respecting gay man and be done with all of this.”

“You’re the one hanging around the library because you’re crushing on Mi-.” Jaehyun scoffs, pushing a copy of a Proust book against the other boy’s chest. His eyes shift towards the corner, a flash of a book cart and Mingyu picks up on this quick enough as he scrambles to open a random page. It’s almost comical how leans his slender frame against a shelf in an attempt to look casual.

The crush in question’s head pops in from the aisle, eyes darting towards Mingyu’s direction. “You guys need any help over here?” Guys, _plural_ as if he’s even remotely aware of Jae’s presence.

“No, we’re good. Thanks Minghao.” Mingyu grins, lips forming into an awkward pout that Jaehyun can’t tell if it’s done purposely or because Mingyu is just incredibly incapable of seeming cool in front of a crush. He hides a soft chuckle as he pretends to be engrossed in a dusty copy of The Wizard of Oz simply because he cannot bear to watch this disaster unfold.

Minghao glances at the book in Mingyu’s hand then grins. “You sure you’re good?”

“Yeah, thanks though.” A hand runs through his hair followed by a wink at Minghao.

“Just making sure.” The other boy shakes his head, a loud cackle escaping his lips as he pushes the book cart away. Mingyu is confused by this for a moment and Jaehyun points to the title in hand. The book is upside down.

“ _Oh my fucking god_.” He groans, sinking down on to the ground to hug his knees. “I can never come back here.” Which is bad for him but a good enough distraction for Jaehyun for a few hours.

At least Mingyu is in touch with his feelings.

Mingyu is in emotional turmoil for the rest of the day, refusing to speak to Jaehyun because he needs someone to blame for the fact that he’d made a complete fool of himself in front of his highlighter green clad Chinese Prince Charming. Jaehyun spends this time of silence reading T.S. Elliot in the university quad, ignoring Mingyu’s pouting and moaning across him.

He wonders a lot about Jungwoo and Genovia, thinks a lot of the texts about Johnny’s bodyguard and tries to brush it off as Jungwoo simply trying to get a rise out of him. (Which has proven successful but Jungwoo doesn’t know that.) A week won’t change things, that was a promise. Jungwoo has loved him this long, what is a week while he figures it all out himself? He refuses to call first - resists the urge to give in to the questions burning in his own head. Maybe Jungwoo is right, maybe they _are_ bad for each other. Maybe a week away is good, _maybe, maybe, maybe._ He doesn’t really know what to say, what to do.

Asking Mingyu is probably a worse idea so he decides against it.

The sun is setting, covering the sky with a hazy orange when Jaehyun looks up to find a discheveled Eunwoo making his way towards them. Lips swollen, hair a mess - the boy flashes them a bright smile before sitting next to him, patting his lap as a means of offering it for Mingyu to rest on. (Who obliges, moaning again as if in terrible pain. Jaehyun rolls his eyes at this.)

“Do I want to know?” he raises an eyebrow.

“He embarrassed himself in front of Minghao.” Jaehyun shrugs, to which Mingyu prostests with a muffled _‘It’s Jae’s fault’_ into Eunwoo’s pantsleg. “I see you’ve been busy.”

The other boy turns a shade of pink, fingers running through his hair self consciously. “I helped Binnie move in.” Between the three of them, Eunwoo is the only one with a braincell and the emotional capacity to somehow obtain a boyfriend. Which isn’t really surprising - people always say you can’t have it all but Eunwoo annoyingly does. At least in this case, Jaehyun thinks, it could be helpful.

“Eunwoo,” Jaehyun begins, he lowers the book in his hands and fiddles with the cover. Eunwoo shoots him a curious look as he begins absent mindedly playing with a few locks of Mingyu’s hair. “I kind of realized something recently and I think you’re the only person who might be able to help me figure it out.”

“Is it how you can’t reach that note in one of the last numbers because Jinsoul always complains it’s hard to harmonize with your adlibs.” Eunwoo hums, his voice is soothing despite the scathing words spoken.

“Wait, what? She said that?”

A nod. Mingyu laughs, Jaehyun throws an eraser at him.

“But no, what the fuck.” He grumbles. “I think I’m in love with Jungwoo.” Acknowledging this out loud is both unsettling and relieving. There is a sense of peace and assurance which is not what he’d originally expected but now that it’s out there, he’s certain it’s true. He’s in love with Jungwoo and he always has been and he doesn’t know what to do about it.

The two boys in front of him exchange _A Look_ and Eunwoo’s dulcet laugh fills the air around them. “I can’t believe it took you this long to admit that.” He says and Jaehyun thinks it’s incredibly irksome that everyone else has figured this out before him. “Mingyu thought you’d never say it.”

“No, I said not in the near future. That’s different from _never_.” Mingyu informs him, sitting up. Jaehyun’s certain if Mingyu had a tail, it would would be wagging excitedly at that very moment. Now that Jaehyun’s own emotional distress is the topic at hand, he seems to have taken a pause from his misery in order to laugh at another’s. “So? What are you going to do about it?”

“ _Gyu_ , let him breathe. He needs baby steps.” The other boys sighs.

“Was it obvious?” Jaehyun blinks. He’s always assumed he was good at keeping his emotions in check - had that been just something he presumed about himself?

Eunwoo shakes his head. “Not at first, no.” A pause, he seems to think of an appropriate response before finally opening his mouth to speak. “I overheard you and Jungwoo speaking backstage one time. I was about to call you out but it was the first time I noticed how differently you looked at him. I think he’s the only person you actually look in the eyes.”

“You’re so dumb, Jae.” Mingyu pipes in happily and this earns him a loud _‘smack!_ ’ on the arm from Eunwoo.

“You don’t have to do anything rash, Jaehyun.” The smartest of the three begins. “But I hope you do consider that Jungwoo won’t feel the same as you do forever.”

As always, Eunwoo is right. Jaehyun knows this, Jaehyun has always been afraid of this. He watches the sky fade into a dark blue, the streetlamps above them flickering with light as the sun sets. The thought of Jungwoo in another country crosses his mind and he wonders what time it is there, how different his world is now that it revolves without Jaehyun just a call away. There is an uneasy feeling that builds in his stomach -- perhaps it is the fear of change, the lapse of what they’ve both decided was normal then.

_I think you’re bad for me._

That isn’t what he wants yet somehow, it’s come to that. Will he continue to be? Jaehyun is afraid of the answer to this.

* * *

The days leading up to his flight to Genovia are a blur. He obsesses over texting Jungwoo and not texting Jungwoo, overthinks every period and letter in the short moments they’re able to exchange messages. (There are mentions of another boy that makes his heart drop and he ignores this in favour of the fact that _Jungwoo would never break their promise_.)

Jaehyun wonders if he holds another hand under the sheets, lost in sheets of a foreign land together like how they used to -- how Jungwoo likes to tangle limbs together for warmth in the mornings. Would Jaehyun be so easy to replace? These are _stupid_ questions, questions he has never once wanted to ask before that he race through his thoughts now. _Constantly, constantly, constantly_.

Jungwoo has never been this out of reach.

The call comes one morning -- Jungwoo drunk, soft voice muffled as he lets out a small angry sigh. “If you love me you’d let me be happy,” he says accusingly when Jaehyun picks up. “What if I’ve chosen someone else? Will you chase me?”

The words hang on the tip of his tongue, certain of what to say but too terrified to utter the words. The silence is deafening for a moment -- awkward and deadly. Jaehyun knows he should say something but he doesn’t know how to respond or where to begin. “Do you want me to?” He asks instead and Jungwoo groans on the other end, an exhausted sigh that makes guilt run through his own veins.

“It’s not about what I want.” Jungwoo drawls. “I want to be what _you_ want.”

He doesn’t want to talk about this now. He’s not ready for that -- for the admittance of something more. Not when Jungwoo is like this and Jaehyun’s terrified. “You should get some rest.” is all he says. A cigarette is lit as he climbs out onto his fire escape, smoke billowing lazily as the city passes by him below. He wants Jungwoo to come back to their peace - to the little secrecy of their meetings in the confines of what he’s come to know as home.

“Stop doing this.” The other boy says, he sounds like he’s begging. Jaehyun closes his eyes. “Stop acting like I’m just like everyone else to you.”

In the great divide of things, Jaehyun’s world is separated into Jungwoo and everyone else. Not that he’s ever admitted to that -- Jungwoo’s just always been there. Everpresent in the motions, holding Jaehyun’s hand through it all. He supposes it would be a good moment to say something else but he can’t find the words that Jungwoo deserves and Jaehyun feels almost seasick at the thought, as if he’s just floating through and he can’t do anything about it. “I’m not.” He answers, trying to keep his voice even. “You’re _not_.”

“Act like you mean it.” A rustle from the other line.

He doesn’t know how to do that. “Do you miss me?”

Jungwoo groans and seconds pass, they feel like years. “What do you want me to say?” It feels like a game at this point. Anything just to avoid talking properly.

“I don’t know, Jungwoo.” A sigh. “Drink some water.”

“Yukhei doesn’t treat me like this.”

Jaehyun doesn’t want to hear it. Doesn’t like the nervous feeling of someone else’s name on Jungwoo’s lips like that. His voice drips with fondness - a tone that he’s only ever known for himself and he hates how jealous is makes him. “Like what?” He doesn’t know why he asks.

“Like how you treat me.” He’s scared of what that means.

“If you hate it so much then why are you still talking to me?” Another loaded question. He blows out another mouthful of smoke, watches as it disappears into the air. What would Jungwoo say if he saw him now? He feels pathetic.

“Fuck you, Yunoh.” Then the line goes dead.

Jaehyun puts out his cigarette and sighs. His fingers fiddle with the unlit end, almost tempted to stick it again into one of his pots but remembers what Jungwoo had once told him before climbing back inside to flush it down his toilet.

God, does he feel like shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!! 
> 
> kudos and comments (or cc's???) are appreciated ٩(｡•́‿•̀｡)۶

**Author's Note:**

> part 3 once the au ends! who will jungwoo choose! who knows!
> 
> kudos and comments would be nice if u liked it! ╰(✿˙ᗜ˙)੭━☆ﾟ.*･｡


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